An Open Letter to New Moms

Motherhood is crazy. I mean, people like to tell you before you get pregnant, while you are pregnant and, of course, after you're pregnant that "Oh you just wait! You think it's crazy now!" But here's the thing: as much as I hate to admit it, they're all right...AND WRONG. In all the ways they are right about motherhood being crazy, they never really tell you what all that entails. People say, "The postpartum hormones are the worst!" But, nobody tells you the details like covering your poor husband's pillow in snot from a 20 minute panic attack brought on by the simple cry of your 3 day old baby. (Not that this happened to me or anything...😉) They all conveniently forget to tell you about their worst days, so you only end up hearing the glorified bad days of new motherhood. I had many women tell me I would be emotional the first couple of weeks after my kiddo was born, but there was no preparation for the slew of emotions that fly over you with no logic or reason behind them. I thought I was prepared mentally for the random bursts of sadness or overwhelming joy and disbelief that comes postpartum. I was so wrong! Yeah, I definitely cried on the toilet a few times those first two weeks or so - and that had surprisingly nothing to do with those first few postpartum poos either. Side note - take the damn stool softeners; you won't regret that, I promise. More things nobody told me that I wish I had known prior to giving birth:

• That bond everyone talks about...you know, the magical bond that comes with simply viewing your child for the first time outside of your womb...I'm calling it. I call B.S.That's right, call me cold-hearted or whatever you want, but I just don't think it's healthy for women to have the expectation that they will instantly bond with this new stranger in their life. I wanted that bond SO badly, that when it didn't come immediately, I had already started doubting myself as a mother. The thoughts of "Did I really think I was ready for this? Do I even love this kid enough? What if I don't like being a mom?" was legit and so overpowering I couldn't think straight. Listen new moms, you JUST met this human. Sure he/she has been growing inside your body this whole time, but you literally just met them and it's ok if it takes a little time for you to get acquainted. Obviously in this world where PPD (postpartum depression) is so rampant yet hardly talked about in depth, you should be vigilant of this bonding taking too long to be established. But, don't kick yourself if it takes a couple/few weeks. As if this adjustment to a new life wasn't difficult enough, don't add to your stress by believing the lie you're told that every mother bonds right away with their baby. It's simply unrealistic for EVERY mother to be the same here.

*If you think you might be struggling with Post Partum Depression, please reach out for help. The best mom is a healthy mom!

Postpartum Support International

• Breastfeeding is hard.
  Listen, I know what you're thinking: "I already know this one, everyone says it's hard."
  But seriously open your ears here because I'm serious. I was prepared. I took the breastfeeding class, I read the articles, I took the advice. I did everything I could to be educated, motivated, and ready. You know what that did for me? Not a lot. My breastfeeding journey was shorter lived than Kim Kardashian's marriage to that basketball guy...Ok, I know that's a dated reference, but it never gets old!
  I breastfed for a whopping 5 days. My milk came in on day 7. My hormones told me on that day we (yes WE...I'll address this in a minute) decided to formula feed that I was a failure and I wasn't worthy of being a mother. My plan all along was to try breastfeeding, but that if it was too hard or demanding or stressful or painful that I would switch to formula - no big deal.
  HaHaHa. No. Big. Deal.
  This goes back to the hormones that defy all logic, ladies. I had already planned on switching to formula if I couldn't handle breastfeeding yet, when it became so painful I was literally screaming in pain at the very contact of my newborn to breast, I felt so defeated. I felt like I was failing my daughter and that, somehow, she would know I was being selfish and giving up on feeding her the way nature intended.
  Hear me, new moms, hear me loudly. FED.👏 IS.👏 BEST.👏
  Your baby literally just wants to eat. He/She is not going to care where it comes from or who created the food. Just repeat that in your hormonal brain if this happens to you. Otherwise you will break down. At least I did. Now, to address the "WE" from earlier. Don't leave your husbands out of these decisions ya'll. When we were expecting, my husband and I had several conversations about what our plan was for feeding. Not only was I educated, but my husband was too. He came to the class, read the articles, took the advice. I'm SO glad he did. And when that day at the pediatrician's office came where we learned our daughter had lost way too much of her birth weight, my husband was right by my side being the logic to my uncontrollably hormonal brain. When the doctor left the room so I could breastfeed and get a weight before & after to know what my daughter was getting from me, I broke down ya'll. I was ugly crying before the door even closed behind the doctor. My husband hugged me, straightened up my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said "Momma, you've got this. You're a strong mother and whatever you decide to do, I'm behind you and support you 100%. Whatever choice you make, I know you will do what's best for our daughter."
  If you don't have a man that speaks to your soul like this when you are broken, get one. If you can't find one, look harder because those words were exactly what I needed to snap out of my emotions and make an informed decision for our child. I highly recommend one.😉🙌
  
• You will end up using your kid as a buffer to social situations.
  Don't worry, I'm never going to judge someone for this. Especially because I'm unashamed that I've already been guilty of it myself.
  I'm not a fan of social gatherings and I really dislike small talk. The great thing about my husband and I both being socially awkward is that, now, we can just change the subject to our daughter when things get weird. When I went to put in my official resignation from my job to stay home with my kiddo, I brought her with me to keep myself from sweating a lot and talking too much. It worked, I'll tell ya that! And quitting your job of almost 5 years is a LOT easier when you bring the adorable reason for it along.
  
• If you weren't afraid of getting sick or being around sick or even semi-sick people before...well, that's going to change.
  I've never been afraid of germs. I always heard the saying "God made dirt, dirt won't hurt". I've stayed relatively healthy my whole life aside from ear infections and a wicked habit of getting tonsillitis when I was young because my tonsils were the size of freakin' watermelons. But, let me just tell you, now you will feel like you have a super-sense of feeling every potential virus or germ on this earth coming straight for your kid's immune system (or lack thereof). I won't lie, I've probably worried TOO much over this since she was born. But, just be prepared for that slight paranoia that every breath breathed in the general direction of your child will be the one that makes them sick.
• Side note on this topic: Old ladies WILL attempt to touch your kid, especially on their face and hands. Don't tell yourself it won't happen to your child. I did that. I was wrong. And, I've been a milisecond away from punching several different old people for this. My worst experience was a lady in the bathroom at Kohl's. My hands were full changing a super poo (Poor kiddo hadn't pooped in a day or two and had a nice stash built up), and this old lady decided to grab the pacifier and put it in my 2 week old's mouth. I mean...come on. WHO DOES THAT?? #strangerdanger anyone?? The nutty thing about that is I was so shocked and appalled that I froze. I grabbed the pacifier out of that ladies hand and said "Yeah thanks (sarcastically), that's upside down, I've got it!"😡😡😡
  Don't let this be you. Buy a car seat cover and block the entire changing table with your body if you have to. Old ladies are relentless and entitled (regardless of good intentions) when they see a tiny new human.
• Instinct doesn't mean you're an expert.
  This is another tough one to get past when you've just given birth and bring home a total stranger that you are responsible for keeping alive.
  I'll keep this one short because it's simple.
  When people tell you that your instincts will kick in and you don't need to worry about if you know how to be a mother or not, don't let yourself believe that the instinct they're talking about will be expert information. It doesn't work like that and nobody explains what they mean. They use the blanket statement that "Your instincts will kick in, don't worry", but nobody ever says what you should expect your instincts to tell you. And, it doesn't happen overnight. You don't just become a mothering guru all of a sudden. Nobody does. So, don't feel like your instincts aren't working when your 3 week old isn't pooping as much as all the booklets and nurses tell you they're supposed to and you have no clue what to do. Or, when your baby is crying and you can't decipher what they are trying to tell you, especially because you've only slept a total of 4 hours in the last 36 and none of it was consecutive.

Overall, momming is tough work. I'm only two months into this, but I've already learned a ton; not only about myself, but about my kiddo who, two months ago was a complete stranger. Now I know that she's happiest in the mornings when she gets her first bottle after the sun comes up. I know she prefers to poop while I'm holding her instead of her daddy.😑😂 And, I know this sweet daughter of mine is falling in love with me almost as quickly as I've fallen in love with her.
I've learned that my husband is an even stronger man than I knew before. He has stayed up through the night to feed her and rock her to sleep so I could catch up on my own rest. He has changed diapers, made bottles, and loved the crap out of this kiddo in an even greater way than I could have imagined.
And, I've learned that motherhood is a constant state of letting go. It's letting go of those newborn cries to make way for a more distinct one that tells you what she's needing. It's letting go of your baby needing you in little ways, like when she starts holding her head off your shoulder or outgrows the newborn insert for her baby bath.
It's tough. But, every day gets a little better and a little easier.
New mommas, never fear! Or do, because it really is totally normal. Just, don't stay in that fear because you WILL figure this thing out. Little by little.

Truly,

AmbJ